Growing up has a lot of hard lessons. One of them for me has been learning that God’s timing and plans for me are usually very different than what I think and intend on doing. This has developed into me saying: “God laughs at me.” I do not mean that God is pointing at me and mocking me as I am tripping over myself and face planting into the mud. What I do mean is the laugh that a Sunday school teacher has when a small child bursts out an answer that she has no idea from where it came. I just mean that as soon as I think I figured out what I am supposed to be doing, something unexpected happens and flips everything on its head for better or for worse.
I could point out a lot of different smaller examples of where and when I had to learn this lesson. I will say that after having a sister very unexpectedly passing away of brain cancer, I did begin to realize that there is no guarantee of stability in plans. Another way of putting it would be that the words of the Apostle James were hitting a little closer to home.
“Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.””
James 4:13-15 ESV
Plans are not a bad thing. I was just learning that you cannot cling onto them too tightly.
Not to say that loosing a sister wasn’t hard, it still remains the hardest thing I have had to live through. Just this particular lesson of learning to let go of my timing and trusting God’s timing, hit really hard shortly after my husband and I got married.
Baby Fever
We started trying for a baby almost immediately. I was currently working a full time job at Walmart and feeling very trapped in it when all I wanted to do with my life was to raise little humans. We both wanted lots of kids and had come from big families so we thought that it would be quick and easy.
Like I said though, God has other plans.
Six months went by and nothing happened. I was confused and sad, but I mean, it was just the first six months. The average American couple takes about six to twelve months to conceive a child at least according to my best friend, Google.
Another six months went by, and that’s when the worries really started rocking me. What was wrong? We were both in our early twenties and relatively healthy people. Granted, we were not running marathons and eating organically, but it wasn’t like we were eating McDonalds every single meal while sitting on our butts all day.
I was scared to go to the clinic because I didn’t want them to tell me: “Yup, you can never have your own children because of the following fifty things we found wrong with you.” However, I did schedule an appointment in October, but I cancelled it last minute. I made myself stop taking pregnancy tests because every time I got a negative it just devastated me for two or three days. I tried to figure it all out on my own, but as I have said in my dog posts, Google is not ever a helpful place for me.
OBGYNs and Friends
I really struggled with trying to be happy and content where I was especially when the 18 month mark hit. I knew that I needed to trust God and his timing because it would be best. That little nagging worry would not stop haunting me though. What if I could not have my own biological children? What if we could never afford adoption? Then what? What was I supposed to do?
I wanted to just be able to grin and bear it with joy in trusting the Lord and his providence. The anxiety weighed me down heavily, and I could not seem to shut out the despair that was eating away at me. I was frustrated with myself. I had a lot to be grateful and happy for. I have a relatively easy life, it was just this one thing. Why could I not let it go?
Some days were better than others. I would have my good days, and then there were others where I was struggling to function. It reminded me somewhat of grief. Where it smacks in the face one day, and the next it’s like nothing ever happened.
Most people told me that everything would be fine. We were still really young, it was all going to be okay. I would often look at Josh and ask him: “do you really think that we will be able to have our own kids?” He would always say: “Yes, but even if we don’t, we will adopt.”
During this time period, Josh bought two books: “The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment” by Jeremiah Burroughs for him and “Learning Contentment” by Nancy Wilson for me. He told me that he bought one for himself so it was not like he was trying to remove the speck out of my eye while a log was in his own. I was happy about it. I love getting new books, and Nancy Wilson’s words were very helpful for me in realizing that I needed to change my mindset to a much more grateful one. You can find Jeremiah Burroughs book here and Nancy Wilson’s here.
I finally went into the clinic. I left feeling both with some hope and frustration. On the one hand, I was getting help, on the other they told me a lot of things that I already knew. What was really helpful was when both of us got some labs done and I did some at home ovulation tests.
When it comes to infertility, statistically speaking, 30% of the time it’s the woman, 30% it’s the man, 30% it’s both, and 10% it’s unknown. We got the results back to find out that we had dodged the scary unknown category, but we had unfortunately landed in the fun category of both. My OBGYN told us that we needed to see a specialist at a fertility clinic because of being in the fun both category. We simply could not afford that. We also would have had some serious ethical concerns with that specific clinic in general.
On the one hand, I liked knowing that I was not crazy. We both had issues and that was all in God’s plan before we were even born. In my mind, God was teaching me both patience and contentment. I always thought of myself as a pretty content person up until this point. It really started to hit me how much I needed to work on trusting God to meet my needs. Not my wants and desires, but what I actually needed, God would always provide.
“But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.”
Matthew 6:30-32 ESV
The problem with any fruit of the Spirit is that it takes time and discipline. No matter how badly I wanted it to be as simple as an on or off switch.
I tried to reorient my focus on getting a house rather than trying to conceive a baby, but that did not provide any peace and bred more discontent and dislike for our current living space. Patience and contentment were what I needed to focus on in that moment. Hence why the books on contentment came in so handy. We could not do anything more about the problem at hand except pray and trust God.
Breaking My Own Rules
About a month and half later, I was two days late so I took a pregnancy test just in case even though I knew it was a bad idea. As I expected, it came back negative. No surprise, my period had been super late before and no baby.
My period kept at bay the next day…
The next week…
I prayed, “Lord, please if this is not a pregnancy please bring my period back sooner so I’m not just sitting here in limbo.”Limbo was just the worst. The last time I was in limbo was when we were six months married, and I had been so sure that I was pregnant. It landed super close to Christmas time, and I thought that it would be a super fun little Christmas present, but nope, no baby.
This time reminded me of it all over again. Mother’s Day was right around the corner. Even though I could have taken a pregnancy test then, because my period was the latest it had ever been. I knew that if it had come back negative on Mother’s Day that I would not be able to function for the rest of the day, and I really did not want to do that to myself so I waited a few more days.
Then finally on May 11th, I took another one and just walked out of the bathroom immediately without taking another glance at it. I did not want to sit there and just watch only one line form. The timer counted down the minutes on my phone while I continued on with my morning routine praying for a miracle, and if not that, strength to stomach another disappointment.
The timer went off, and I walked back into the bathroom expecting the worst, praying for the better. No matter what I took I always got one line. Ovulation tests and pregnancy tests were no different. It always was one singular line mocking me. In a way, my period just stopping for no reason was to be expected. My OB told me that it made no sense that I even had a period in the first place. Since I had been to see her, it had been acting funky.
God Laughs
Whenever I think I have figured out exactly what God wants for me in that time, something almost always happens to contradict my perception. This time was no exception.
There was not just one line. There were two lines. Not one very dark line and a faded line, two very dark lines.
Stunned, I had to look up and make sure that two lines meant pregnant. Obviously it did, but I had to be absolutely 100% sure before I could let myself get super excited.
I looked at my phone screen. I looked at the test. Yup, two lines meant pregnant.
Poor Josh was sound asleep at the time, and I could not wait. I rushed over to the bed and started pulling him to get up. Confused he started to ask me what was going on thinking that he had slept too long. I just told him that he needed to come and see.
I dragged him into the bathroom where I had my phone still with the Google page open and the pregnancy test on the sink. I pointed it to him and waited. It took him a minute, but once he did get it, he turned to me with a big smile on his face and said, “told you so.”
Editors Note
I add this part because I feel as though it needs to be said for those of you out there who might still be in the struggle and trial of waiting for a baby. I cannot promise you that a baby will happen for you. I don’t have any secret magic cure that will make a baby happen for you today. That was not the point of this post.
I did not deserve this baby. This baby did not come because of anything me or my husband tried or did differently than the rest of humanity. We did not radically change our eating habits and lifestyles so as to super boost our fertility. God was simply gracious to us in his timing and his purposes which are always best even though they really do not feel like it in the moment. He heard our prayers and the prayers of those around us. I know though that sometimes God says no. Trusting him is the hardest thing in the world sometimes, but the greatest peace can only come from trusting him.
I know some of you have been trying for much longer than we have. I have heard the stories of couples where it took anywhere between three years to ten to never being able to conceive. I can not imagine being in that place for so long, but if you’re a Christian, your Heavenly Father knows. Jesus knows your pain. All I can tell you is to cling onto Him always, and He will hold you fast. Does not mean that He will ultimately give you what you want, but it does mean that He will always be there in the midst of the trial and the eye of the storm.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”
Psalm 23:4 ESV
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